August 13, 1964

Apparently, the war is pretty unpopular back home, so to generate interest, HQ is offering high school students a job shadowing program. We've only gotten one kid so far. His name is Gus and he's from Maryland. I'm sure he was dreaming of killing Vietcong when he got over here, but we don't let him do cool stuff like that. In fact, he's really just here so we're not always giving the POWs nuggies and wet willies. Violates the Geneva Convention or something like that. It doesn't matter how heavy the fire is, if Sarge makes up his mind that he's giving someone a wedgie, someone's getting a wedgie. Good thing we have 'ol Gussy here to take one for his country.

August 12, 1964

Cooley and I have been playing a ton of board games lately, so Sarge suggested that we play with some of the Vietcong soldiers we've captured. So far our favorite is the Game of LIFE. We play it a little differently than the instructions. Basically, if the prisoner loses, we kill them. If they win, we play again.

August 11, 1964

The people of 'Nam have this strange fascination with Harry Houdini. He's their hero, and there are schools devoted solely to teaching citizens how to duplicate his tricks. We planted Sarge in on class as the teacher and had him teach a bunch of Vietcong the wrong trick, so that they just tied themselves in knots. We've got Cooley sitting right next to them with a machine gun, just in case those ropes don't hold them anymore.

August 10, 1964

It's been raining really hard for the past few days, but by today it had slowed down to a light mist. Fighting in these conditions would have been a huge disadvantage for us, because we can't skate across mud like the Vietcong can. H.Q. let us stay at camp today, so we had a ton of fun in the mud. We made mudmen, threw mudballs, and made a Slip 'N Slide out of the mud. We kept sliding on it until it wore down and uncovered a Vietcong tunnel, right underneath our base! They didn't know what was going on, so Cooley threw a few grenades down the hole and we went back to making the world's biggest mud turd.

August 9, 1964

Stevens, Cooley, and I were leaving to patrol in the tank today, when Sarge asked if he could come along. We agreed, but only because we didn't realize that there would be so much trouble. After asking Stevens about the tank's top speed, Sarge then asked if he could hold on to a rope and skateboard behind us. We had to let him do it, he's our commanding officer. Cooley and I quit watching after awhile. I guess Sarge tried some trick that involved tying the rope to his foot and skating on one foot, and it backfired on him. We heard some screaming and realized that we were dragging Sarge behind us, but Cooley had Stevens drive through a few puddles and booby traps before we cut him loose.

August 8, 1964

The other day, H.Q. had their annual block party. They brought in this awesome dunking booth. Everybody got a turn, and we ever let some of the Vietcong POWs in on the action. Unfortunately, we were low on water, so we emptied all of our canteens into the dunking booth. The good thing about 'Nam is that it rains hard every Saturday, so we didn't have any problem refilling our canteens and fish tanks.

August 7, 1964

Sarge, Cooley, and I pitched in together and rented this little house near camp. We were getting sick sick of the rain and the foxholes, so it seemed like a good idea. There are only two windows, so we take turns watching each one. It's really pretty nice. The worst part is all the 'Namish door to door salesmen. They never give up, plus we don't know 'Namanese, so we can't tell them that we already bought one of their product. Sarge has taken to showing them a headless doll his niece sent him (I don't think they have dolls in 'Nam). He puts ketchup inside it and squeezes it out the neck and screams. It scares away the salesmen pretty well, especially when Sarge licks up all the ketchup.

August 6, 1964

There's this little 'Namish kid that hangs around our camp. I guess someone read "The Invisible Man" to him, because he wraps himself in cloth and then takes it off and tries to sneak around and pull pranks on us and stuff. We mess with him, saying "Oh no a floating canteen!" and other stuff like that. Unfortunately for the kid, Crazy Shanks really gets into character sometimes. When the 'Namish kid picked up a pistol that was lying around, Shanks screamed out "IT'S A VIETCONG GHOST!" and started shooting off his flamethrower. The 'Namish forest service must have an excellent fire safety program, because the kid rolled all the way to the river.

August 5, 1964

Private Houseright brought a rebel flag with him from back home. He's gotten a lot of us to say "the South will rise again!!" which is fitting, since we're fighting for the South Vietnamese. Even Johnson and Aubin were singing songs about the South. Our next goal is getting the 'Namish to call Sarge "Robert E. Sarge."

August 4, 1964

The other day H.Q. announced a new mascot contest. Contestants needed to sen in their idea for a new mascot for our division. Cooley came up with this sweet skeleton he named "the Negotiator," that doesn't take crap from anyone. Well today he got a letter telling him that he won the contest. He'll get 300 H.Q. Fun Bucks and a LBJ autographed lithograph.

August 3, 1964

H.Q. has been sending celebrities around to try and raise morale. Today was Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. We were trying to get the Beatles or even Bob Hope, but we got Booger. Basically he was gross. That's really the only thing he's famous for. I mean, his name is Booger. You just can't expect much from a guy named Booger. Anyways, he did pee in Stevens's helmet, and that was pretty funny.

August 2, 1964

Today was the last straw. We ran out of C-rations about a week ago, and everybody's been sick of eating rice, especially since it's grown by our enemies. So this morning after having rice cakes for breakfast, I suggested taking out some rice paddies. We had a blast. We started by stomping on the rice, but after Cooley threw a grenade at a lizard he saw, we all started using our weapons to take out the rice. It was so much fun. We'll probably have to eat bamboo or something now, but at least it's grown by Mother Earth and not the Vietcong.

August 1, 1964

So Sarge and I were walking through the battlezone today, when we found a couple of the new recruits sleeping. Right in the middle of the battlefield!! That's the kind of stuff that hurt us in Korea. Sarge woke them up with a grenade in their faces. It works every time. The screaming, the wet pants...comedy gold. Then we made them run back to H.Q. painted orange. You have to let the rookies know who's boss.

July 31, 1964

Lately we've been hearing a lot about "the wall." It's supposed to be this cool place to hang out. So Sarge, Cooley, and I went and checked it out today. It wasn't all that great. We carved our names in it like everybody else was doing, but then we decided to make up some names to put on there. That was fun for a little while, but carving in granite is pretty tough. I saw some of my old buddies from boot camp. They'd lost a few limbs, but other than that they were the same old guys...except the ones that were KIA.

July 30, 1964

So today Stevens found an alien skull. Wow. There's something we've all NEVER seen before. Sure, he found it when we were exploring an ancient 'Namish temple, but it's pretty obvious that it was planted by the Vietcong to scare us. Stevens was all pumped, bragging about how he was going to be rich and famous and on magazine covers and whatnot. That's when Sarge and I pointed out that the alien had 'Namish eye sockets. Stevens still wouldn't shut up about it, so we just stole the skull when he wasn't looking and broke it into four pieces, which we then placed at the four corners of the earth.

July 29, 1964

Today Jax, an old buddy of Sarge's from basic, dropped by our camp to see what Sarge was up to. He said that he had been reassigned to some sort of Army Special Kombat unit and that he was undergoing some rigorous martial arts training. Cooley mentioned that he was the karate champion at his YMCA back home and that he could probably take Jax. Jax accepted the challenge, and they started fighting. Cooley was incredible. He was blocking every kick and landing tons of punches. Jax was starting to look a little drowsy, when out of the jungle this deep voice yells "FINISH HIM!" So Cooley runs over and rips off Jax's arms!! Cooley started freaking out and apologizing, but Jax told him there was no harm done and that the Army could take care of it. He even let us keep his left arm so we could have a more realistic left arm decoy than the ones HQ has been sending us. What a great soldier he is.

July 28, 1964

Stevens barely avoided a grenade this morning, but the blast knocked him around pretty hard. Sarge loves watching The Six-Million Dollar Man, and wanted to put some bionic equipment in Stevens while he was in the MASH. Unfortunately, we don't have too many bionic gadgets lying around camp, so we rigged some up. We put a funnel in his ear for superhuman hearing, and we gave him a screwdriver thumb for Bob Vila quality craftsmanship. I think the results speak for themselves.

July 27, 1964

The other day a 'Namish man at the market offered to take us fishing, so today we took him up on the offer. Of course, it turned out to be a trap, but we were expecting that anyways. We convinced the Vietcong to let us fish before they killed us, and they did. This is where planning ahead really came in handy. Cooley and I had planted some waterproof grenades inside some of the bigger fish in the river. We trained the fish to only eat C-rations, so when we were being held captive we used some C-rations as bait. Then after we caught the fish we turned the tables on the Vietcong and forced them to cook the fish for dinner. It's funny how a few grenades can break down cultural barriers.

July 26, 1964

Today was a blast. Sarge paid off a bunch of 'Namish kids to act like zombies for a day. It was hilarious. They were moaning and stumbling around the village. One of them tried to bite Cooley, so we took back the money Sarge paid the little bugger. The kids' parents had no idea what was going on, so we ganked some rice while they were freaking out.

July 25, 1964

The Vietcong have grown so confident in their skills in the jungle that they've begun to steal our helmets and put things in them, like tacks and lice. Cooley always talks about how allergic his uncle is to poison ivy, so we've gotten some down at the market to put on our helmets. It's reduced the number of helmet thefts by 8%. The best part is at the end of the day when everybody in the platoon tries to take off their helmet without touching all of the vile weed.

July 24, 1964

In H.Q.'s H.Q.'s Rules of 'Nam, it says that we can't have any pet animals on our base. That disappointed many of us in the battalion, since we all had a pet dog or a pet cat back home in the States. Then Sarge had a great idea. "Why not a pet 'Namish? They're not animals" he said. Now our unit has a two little ankle biters. They're tons of fun, even if they do chew up a boot or two every now and again.

July 23, 1964

Today everybody in our battalion got phones. It's pretty awesome. Johnson and I have been getting phone numbers from girls in the MASH unit and in the local hangouts. All of these dates are helping our morale. It's given us something to look forward to after a long day of fighting. Unfortunately, many of the girls are working for Vietcong, but that can be a nice way to keep us on our toes. Blind dating is just so darned exciting.

July 22, 1964

An informant told us that the 'Namish were hiding bombs and such in graves, so we've had to start opening them up. The danger is double, because not only do we have to worry about bombs, but we have to worry about zombies. But the biggest danger is digging up a grave too soon after the person has died, since its 'Namish tradition to bury the dead with an anaconda. Risky business if you ask me.

July 21, 1964

Most people outside of Asia don't know it, but 'Namish females are actually marsupials. They actually have a pouch on their underbelly. Many mothers back in the States might think that a pouch would be handy, but it's actually one of the biggest problems we have. We might think we're helping a young mother, but it will end up being a young mother with a pouch full of guns and mustard gas. Tough stuff.

July 20, 1964

Recently we've had a problem with 'Namish refugees trying to sneak into our camp. It's not that we don't want to help these poor people, but we can't have them taking our stuff. So Stevens thought that maybe we should build a moat around our camp. That seemed like an awesome idea at first, but those 'Namish are really determined to get some food and supplies and started swimming across. So we stuck some sharks in the moat, and now we get security AND entertainment.

July 19, 1964

Cooley and I made a valuable contact at the market today. His name is Fan Ao lun, which translated means, Elroy the honorable fishboy. He's working as a sideshow act here in 'Nam, but he's really an undercover agent for hire. We happened to get lucky and hire him before the 'Namish could. Although, when you think about it, it's not too surprising, because it's hard to advertise when you're undercover.

July 18, 1964

We busted a group of 'Namish cocaine dealers today. Its a good thing we did too. They were starting to cut into our profit. We can't have those stinking 'Namish stealing our customers. It's hard enough to trust 'Namish that aren't on crack, but we've really got to be on edge when it comes to our customers.

July 17, 1964

Our batallion won H.Q.'s monthly lottery and scored an awesome new ride. Sarge and I have been driving it all over the lakes of 'Nam. The 'Namish have started calling it "La Chupacabra," so we started taking the leftover chicken bones from Cookie's "bone yard" and putting them in huge pits around the 'Namish villages to further the myth of the terrifying beast. Psychological warfare, suckas!

July 16, 1964

So there was a full moon out tonight, and it turns out that Private Wolfmann is actually a werewolf. Imagine that. We realized that its probably the reason he's been so fearless in battle, 'cause I'd bet money that the 'Namish don't have too many silver bullets lying around. Of course, the silver bullet thing also means that Wolfmann can't drink any Coors Light (The Official Beer of 'Nam).

July 15, 1964

Now I know that Quentin the breakdance kid is our platoon logo, but I decided that we needed a living, breathing mascot that can boost morale among the troops. My high school's mascot was a dog with human arms and I thought that was pretty cool, so I went to a few nearby villages to find a dog. I found Zeus, the dog of war. Zeus is actually a 'Namish word that means fang of the north. His fur is made out of indestructible 'Namish iron. Unfortunately, we have to oil his joints all the time.

July 14, 1964

So today we were laying around at camp when some guys claiming to be from the CBS Evening News showed up and said they'd like to take some pictures from the war. We agreed and then drew straws to see who would get to be in the pictures, and Sarge and Crazy Shanks ended up winning. I guess the photographers want everyone back home in the states to think that the war is really intense and that they were really brave and went out on the battlefield to get their shots, but really they just set up some backdrops and had Sarge and Shanks point their guns at stuff. Cooley and I told the photographers that there was some good material in a nearby field and when they walked over to the field, we knocked them out with some gas grenades. Then we used their cameras and the backdrop for some real fun. My favorite pic is the one where Shanks has on one of those fake arrow-through-the head things, since the 'Namish don't really use arrows.

July 13, 1964

We got a new recruit in our platoon today. We just call him Larry since his last name is the same as Sarge's. Nobody knows what to think of Larry. He seems to hit the bottle pretty hard...and I think he drinks a lot too. However, I pretty sure that he'll be reliable in the trenches. For example, the other day we were headed toward our rendezvous with the brass of H.Q. when Crazy Shanks just fell face first into the ground. Everybody was freaking out, but Larry kept a cool head. He just walked over, lifted Shanks's face and put some white powder under his nose. Shanks hopped right up and led our platoon all the way to H.Q. like nothing had ever happened. I think Larry must have been Clara Barton in a former life.

July 12, 1964

So today me and Cooley were looking through the armory when we found a rocket launcher. Our platoon's been out of rockets for a long time now, so we took it without worry. After scaring some of the little 'Namishlings, Sarge came up with the most wicked awesome idea ever, a potato-launching rocket launcher. It wasn't that hard to make, plus the 'Namish hate all the potatoes the French planted for them, so we have an almost infinite supply. It's presence alone strikes fear into the hearts of villagers. "Gonna go work on the farm today Ting?" Ting can go right ahead...if he wants a face full of the pride of Ireland!! With this accompanying the leech gun, we're building up quite an arsenal.

July 11, 1964

Stevens's dad came to visit camp today. He seemed like a nice guy, but he's a little wierd. Stevens told us that his dad, "the Duke", was a POW in Italy during WWII. You always hear about how those captured by the Germans or Japanese were tortured horribly, but you never hear about those captured by the Italians. That's because most of them didn't make it back to the States ever again! Duke is a little wierd from playing mind games all the time so that he could keep his sanity and stay alive. One of those involves thinking that guns are loaded with water instead of bullets. I can tell you one thing, that crap might have worked in WWII, but it won't work in 'Nam. It's a whole different country. One time, Crazy Shanks tried loading his gun with water and it just ended up getting filled with leeches...which is probably the best weapon we have at this point.

July 10, 1964

Today some 'Namish nomads walked into camp. Cooley yelled "WE'RE NOT A CHARITY!!" which startled them a little bit, but then one reached in his backpack and pulled out a real live komodo dragon. Stevens wanted to feed it some of the newer recruits, but Sarge and I had a better idea. 'Namish komodo dragons are notorious for their thirst for the blood of Canadian Army boots, so we gave the nomads two baskets of noodles in exchange for the dragon. Then Sarge snuck "T-bone" into the Canadian camp. Let's just say that the Canadians probably won't have any boots anymore since our komodo dragon ate them all. Hehehe.

July 9, 1964

Today the so called "reinforcements" from Canada arrived. You'd think their H.Q. would have had the sense to have either sent a translator or not to have sent Canadians that only speak French. It's bad enough that they've eaten all of our Maple Syrup, but then one of them put their flag on top of OUR Temporary Indian Burial Site of 'Nam. It's clear us that we agreed years ago that we would take the Indians and they would take the Eskimos, but now it seems that they're getting a little greedy. I think I'll have Sarge put an end to this.

July 8, 1964

So today we were all sitting around camp and then Sarge asks us "Howsabout we make a campfire and heat up our K-Rations so we can have a warm meal tonight?" We all agreed, even though the smoke could have alerted the Vietcong of our position. We were heating up Spam and spaghetti, then we needed some desert. Cooley then told Crazy Shanks to get some Jell-o for desert. He returned with what looked like Jell-o in a pan and started to stick it over the fire. Stevens said "Shanks you 'tard, Jell-o doesn't need to be heated up!" However, just as he stuck the pan over the fire it occurred to me that we didn't have any H.Q. issued Jell-o...and that the stuff in the pan must be NAPALM!!! By then it was too late, and well...I think the picture explains everything.

July 7, 1964

AHHHHHHHHHH!! The 'Namish have unleashed their secret weapon!! This is the only dog in all of Indochina that they couldn't eat. In fact, it ate some of them. H.Q. has already started planning on how we're going to stop this thing. Word on the street is that it's already taken the lives of 3 troops and a couple of the older gazelle that are too slow to run away. Watch your back.

July 6, 1964

Today the votes came in, and this is now the logo for our batallion. It was really close, and ended up coming down to this and a bumblebee with a machine gun. I myself was partial to the bee, but hey, you win some, you lose some.

July 5, 1964

Me and Cooley just published the first edition of Vietnam John's Wartime Bathroom Reader. It seems to have gone over well. I've even heard that some copies have been stolen from the warehouses, and I have a suspision that the 'Namish might have been the thieves. Even enemies poop I guess.

July 4, 1964

Stevens and I have been searching high and low for the Ying Yang Twins so that we could catch them before today, since we thought that they had something major planned for today. Instead, my uncle, who also happens to be the governor of Oregon, received this unsettling message today. "While your nephew roams through 'Nam, it is you at home that shall fear our bombs." Seems kind of odd. Hopefully, they aren't going to bomb the U.S., cause that would be pretty crafty.

July 3, 1964

Last night Stevens found a document crucial to our survival. It seems that he had wondered upon a map that the Twins must have dropped in their escape. At first Stevens thought that it was HQ issued toilet paper, but just in the nick of time he realized that he shouldn't see any skulls on his T.P. until after he wiped. Hopefully we can use the map to find them before they can cause even more damage.

July 2, 1964

Stevens and I set out to find the Ying Yang Twins. In the jungle we found this other horrendous spectacle. It seems that the Twins are Medusa'ing every U.S. soldier that they can find. However, we're hoping that the trail of petrified soldiers will lead us to the Twins.

July 1, 1964

Stevens and I went out looking for butterflies today. When we got back to camp, we lay our eyes upon one of the worst sights you could ever see. ALL OF OUR FELLOW SOLDIERS HAD BEEN PETRIFIED!!! Taped to Cooley's forehead was a note that Stevens translated into "MEDUSA'd!!", which I guess is the 'Namish word for "turned to stone." The note was signed by the Ying Yang Twins. We're still not sure how the Twins pulled this one off, or how to reverse the effects. Things are not looking good for the 'ol Platoon.

June 30, 1964

We've finally found out who's behind all of this treachery. It's a pair of 'Namish officers known only as the "Ying Yang Twins." They had humble beginnings, but soon rose to power after selling their successful chicken farm. I hope that we can track them down before the 4th of July, because who knows what trouble they're brewing for that great day.

June 29, 1964

This is really getting old. After examining this intelligence photograph, it seems that Enemy H.Q. has hired their own morale-boosting 'Namish Bob Dylan, but judging by the looks on the faces of the other 'Namish, he's probably more like a 'Namish Cat Stevens. Either way, this cannot be tolerated, and will have to be dealt with immediately.

June 28, 1964

In an effort to boost morale, HQ has hired a Bob Dylan Tribute Band from back home to come and play for us. Bob Dylan is only one person though, so it's not really a tribute band. I like to call it "forgery." However, Dylan's tunes are some of our platoon's favorites, and everyone seems to enjoy listening to Frank the Bob Dylan Impersonator. After Frank played us some songs on his guitar, he told us about what HQ is planning. It seems that they're bringing some aircraft carriers into the area to try and scare the Vietcong. (Don't tell them, but I don't think that it's going to work. We showed Crazy Shanks's crazy shanks to one that we had captured, and he didn't even bat an eyelash. Not a one.)

June 27, 1964

In case you noticed, about three days ago I mentioned a man named Cookie. Cookie is our new cook. HQ sent him here a week ago. We call him Cookie because that's what every army cook is supposed to be called. It's kind of an unwritten law. Anyways, Cookie is really busy in the kitchen, so we drew straws to see who would be the new camp waiter...and Cooley won. Sucks to be him. He seems like a natural, though. We've taken to calling him Canteen Cooley, a name that Sarge thought up. It's so funny to watch him run around camp taking orders. Every now and then I'll shoot at his feet to make him move a little faster and to get some revenge after that time he put Agent Orange on my flower garden.

June 26, 1964

Even though we're fighting a brutal war that can destroy a man's life, we make sure to always find the time to help out the locals. For example, today Johnson and I went into a nearby village to spread some good cheer. A woman motioned for Johnson to come help her baby. When we arrived the baby was crying a lot. Upon closer examination, we realized what the problem was. The 'Namish wrap the feet of their children at a very young age so that they can stay quick and nimble and run through tunnels and stuff really quickly. After remembering this, it came to Johnson that the lady must have wanted him to be the one to wrap her baby's feet (this is considered quite an honor among the 'Namish people). So Johnson grabbed some bandages and wound them around the baby's tiny little feet with as much force as possible. The mother of the baby began wailing and started to kick Johnson. We later found out that the lady was trying to tell us that her child's legs were broken and that Johnson had completely disfigured them. By this time it was time for dinner, so we headed back to camp.

June 25, 1964

I found this ad in the HQ Quarterly Help Wanted Section:

Come on and join the Kim Chee Krew! Due to a recent death in the Krew, a position is open. For those of you that don't know about the Krew, we're an elite group of swashbuckling soldiers ready for any kind of crap the Vietcong can throw our way and do it all while looking as cool as humanly possible. We also like to eat lots of Kim Chee. Sign up today!

Clarence is thinking about trying out. I'm pretty sure that he would fit right in with those dorks. What the Krew neglected to mention is that "ready for any kind of crap the Vietcong can throw our way" really means "we clean the floors at the H.Q. POW holding cells." The member that passed away was Tex "Old School" Simmons, who died from a completely unprecedented case of being really old. What a bunch of losers.

June 24, 1964

Today we stole some bandages from the first aid kit and played 'Namish piñata and pin the tail on the 'Namish. Sarge kept peeking through his bandage, so we told the 'Namish that he was trying to hit that if he could kick the air out of Sarge and make him moan in pain for at least two minutes that we'd give him a piece of pineapple. Sarge came running straight at the poor native, who waited until the last possible moment and then kicked Sarge right in the gut. Sarge's knees buckled and he blacked out for at least 4 and a half minutes. We let the 'Namish off of the rope he was on and told him that Cookie would bring him his pineapple shortly. What most 'Namish do not know is that "pineapple" is military slang for "hand-grenade." I'll let you figure out the rest.

June 23, 1964

Today Johnson joined Cooley, Stevens, and I and we went exploring. The four of us found a sweet little lagoon west of the current base camp. There was a really tall rock overlooking the lagoon that we did some swan dives off of. Cooley broke his foot on a rock after landing a huge cannonball, so from then on we had to throw him into the water and hurry and jump in and grab him before he started to go under. I took this picture right before Johnson and Stevens threw Cooley over my entire body (while I was standing up, I might add), off of the rock, and into the lagoon.

June 22, 1964

Since morale has been low as of late, the brass at HQ decided to send in a motivational speaker. He told us a riveting story about his troubles growing up without any money, parents, or toes. Then he told us how he heard the stories about us soldiers and how we were giving our lives for our country, and that those stories inspired him to learn how to walk. Then he tripped and fell off of the stage. That brought about much laughter and probably did raise our morale a bit.

June 21, 1964

Holy Crap that was nuts!! It turns out that I was only having dreams of a future past. Turns out that I have the ability to see into the future and the future does not look appetizing. I swear by my gun that we will end this war all by our lonesomes.

November 22, 2002

Judging by the date on this picture, it seems that I have been transported to the year 2002. Unfortunately, I appear to still be in 'Nam. The war is still raging on, but the soldiers here all seem to have a cold, stony, almost plastic-like look, and it seems that I now look like they do. I told them my name, and they didn't believe me at first. They all seemed to think that I should be almost 60 years old. The man on the left in the picture is actually Cooley's son. He's the leader of my platoon in the future. I only hope that I can get back to 1964 as soon as possible.

TIME WARP!!

I was walking through the jungle today, when all of a sudden, I fell through a hole in the ground and into a TIME WARP!! I don't know where I'm going to come out, but I sure hope that the war in 'Nam is over when I come out.

June 20, 1964

Today was exciting. While digging through bags for more pistachios, Stevens and I found the platoon flamethrower. I can't believe that Sarge thought that we wouldn't find it eventually. Clarence had been building a clubhouse. That thing burnt down in no time. After that, some bear jumped out of the woods and pointed its finger right at us. I'm pretty sure that he was the 'Namish equivalent of Smoky the Bear, especially since he wore one of those crazy 'Namish umbrella hats. That was his first mistake. Those hats keep the rain off of you, but they don't stand a chance against fire. I forgot just how hard I could laugh until today. Let me be the first to tell you that "Stop, Drop, and Roll!" doesn't work in the middle of a minefield.

June 19, 1964

Today was Cooley's birthday and to celebrate Maj. Johnson and Col. Aubin came over from 3rd Battalion. We had some piggyback races, kind of like that scene from The Swiss Family Robinson where they're riding around on ostriches and zebras and stuff, except with people and in the middle of a war zone. After the races we ate some C-ration cake that we heated with grenades. Later we all tried to hit paper airplanes with flares. Crazy Shanks won that contest. He said that he had some sort of special training at West Point. He can lie about West Point all he wants. We all know that he went to the University of Stupid.

June 18, 1964

Some little brat snuck into camp today and stole my Army-issued camo pants. Sarge and I chased him into a field. We had to stay low to keep him from seeing us. He made the mistake of coming out when Sarge yelled "Olyolyoxenfree!!" Then we pegged the little cretan. Sarge occupied him with the gun and I snuck up and got him in the Grassy Field with the lead pipe. Steal my pants, will you?!

June 17, 1964

Today Cooley and I went fishing down at the river. We kept getting bites, but when we reeled in our lines the bait was gone. After two hours of this we got fed up and stormed the river with our guns. Almost immediately three 'Namish hooligans jumped up out of the water. Turns out that they were performing their initiation for the Bien Hoa Brawlers, a local gang. Cooley gave them a brief lecture on the dangers of gangbanging and then we sent them on their way. I don't think they understood what we said, because they later tried sneaking up on us. This time we showed them no sympathy and mowed them down where they stood. Serves them right for not knowing the Language of the King (English for you retards).

June 16, 1964

Stevens and I were really bored today. We started looking around in everybody's stuff. Junior Deputy Clarence was hiding a sack of pistachios in his bag. Pistachios are like gold to the 'Namish people. 17 American dollars are equal to one 'Namish pistachio. We thought that it would be fun to play a joke on Clarence...

...so we ate all of his pistachios.

June 15, 1964

One month in 'Nam!!

June 14, 1964

The trail of dead left by Invisible Fury hasn't stopped yet. I'm beginning to think that he was toying with us back at Enemy H.Q. I've been looking through more pictures from his file. The one shown here is one of the worst. Seems that he thought that it would be funny to set up this man's death like an everyday beach trick. He's a crafty one alright. You know, most people think that being a soldier is all about fighting for your country, but we all know that its really about the hard work and determination involved with tracking down ninjas, and I swear on the right hand of Truth that I will not rest at all until I have found this killer of the innocent.

June 13, 1964

What I was wondering ended up being true. Invisible Fury is a master of disguise and had been the man in the wheelchair. We found his file while searching through Enemy H.Q. It seems that no one knows where he was born or who his parents were. He has a long history of animal cruelty. Fury took this picture right before he crushed this cat's face, and then left the picture on the windowsill of the little girl that owned the cat. Talk about a menace to society. Sarge and I decided that we should take Clarence, go find out more about the cat crusher, and get to the bottom of this mess!

June 12, 1964

After the massacre, we thought we heard some footsteps squishing through the bodies. Sure enough, a pillar of smoke appeared and through it came a black figure. "I am Invisible Fury!" hissed the shape. "I have cut the heads off of those twice your height, broken the spirits of those with more will than you, and eaten those twice your girth. And now I will crush your soul!!" he bellowed. It was at this point that Clarence shot Invisible Fury in the kneecap, causing the ninja to wilt to the floor. Seeing that he was injured, Sarge and I went over and farted on his face, unleashing some "invisible fury,"of our own. The real Invisible Fury then whipped out a fake left leg, which caused me to have a flashback. I recalled the man from nearly a week ago that we saw at them market and how he had used a similar left leg to divert us while he escaped. As soon as my flashback ended, Invisible Fury was gone. "I wonder....." I wondered.

June 11, 1964

The enemies finally arrived. Since there are no words that can accurately describe the carnage that Sarge and I unleashed upon those mongrels (and since everyone knows that flash photography isn't allowed underground) I thought that this cat was an excellent representation of what a by-stander would have thought if they had witnessed the massacre.

June 10, 1964

We found a surprise inside the elevator. It seems that Clarence is a big star among the 'Namish, and all the ladies want his phone number. This would have been a perfect diversion, except that we were inside an elevator. We then decided to let them off on the second story down and then proceeded to the basement. When we arrived at the bottom, we split up and hid behind boxes until the enemy arrived.

June 9, 1964

After regrouping with Clarence, we headed off towards possible Enemy H.Q. After about 2 klicks, we came upon an old abandoned building. We watched it for a while, and after about 30 minutes somebody came and opened up a secret hatch that was the entrance to an elevator. I had Cooley take a picture of me with his bird watching camera when I sniped the guy right in the elevator door so we could get in it. Me, Sarge, and Clarence went into the elevator, and we left Cooley to guard the entrance. He's pretty good at martial arts and is planning on attending a tournament on an island owned by a man named Han. Clarence is a loser.

June 8, 1964

After abandoning Clarence, we hid in the foliage and watched him. It was pretty funny. We couldn't take a picture of him, because the flash would show him where we were. So Cooley recreated the scene on the popular PC game Battlefield Vietnam. Seriously, it was hilarious. At one point, he actually yelled for us to come out. What a loser. We even saw some Vietcong try to sneak up on him. They would struggle for a bit, and then Sarge would run by, stab the 'Namish in the back, and hide in a tree, all before Clarence even knew what happened. We came out after about 4 hours. After a hearty laugh and a couple of "Clarence, you're a loser," comments, we continued on our merry way.

June 7, 1964

After finding a set of latitude and longitude numbers inside the sock of the fake left foot, Sarge deduced that the man in the wheelchair was trying to help us locate the enemy headquarters (Enemy H.Q.) Our H.Q. made the call that we should storm whatever is located at that point. So, Sarge, Cooley, and I suited up and hopped in the chopper. (There was also this kid from back home that won some contest. Something about "Experiencing the Thrill of Battle!!" So now we have to let him tag along and fire a couple of important shots.) We jumped out of the whirlybird when it touched down and quickly spread out as to confuse the enemy.......and Clarence, the tag along kid from Van Nuys.

June 6, 1964

During the Oracle's speech, Sarge and I noticed a curious looking chap, so we decided to follow him after the speech concluded. He detached his fake leg and hopped into a wheelchair. (at this point I began to wonder if the Vietcong had begun to combat out fake left arm diversions with fake left legs!!) We followed him down Kieu Hawh Street (French Cuisine Street in English.) I think he finally took notice of us and began to wheel faster. Eventually we lost him when we discovered a left leg just laying on the ground. "How curious?!" exclaimed Sarge. "How curious, indeed," I replied.

June 5, 1964

We quit running last night. After sleeping for about 13 hours straight, Sarge woke me up this morning. When we looked up, it appeared that we were at a temple of sorts. We went and hid in a nearby tree in order to catch a glimpse of the action. All the 'Namanese were bowing down to an old lady and chanting something that roughly translates to "the Oracle." The old lady was pretty much the exact opposite of Chung Tao. Kind face, white hair, no teeth, and a staff made out of legless pig ribs. She began to speak, but since neither of us could understand what she was saying, Sarge whipped out his notebook and wrote down her speech so we could translate it later.

June 4, 1964

We have been on the move for over 25 hours. After Sarge and I realized that everyone had the same hat on, they got up and began to move. Then they started to run. It appears that we have been caught up in the yearly 'Namish migration! We have kept running for fear of being trampled. It's a good thing that we ran all the time back at H.Q., otherwise we would have been overtaken already. I hope that this ends soon, because Sarge is running short on breath, and these hats keep falling off.

June 3, 1964

After Sarge lost his hand last night, we thought that we'd try to pass ourselves off as victims of the U.S.-Vietcong Conflict of Interest (i.e. THE WAR). We woke up early this morning and donned our umbrella hats. When we opened the door of our rented 'Namish villa, we noticied that everyone else was wearing thier umbrella hats, too. They all seemed to be chanting something strange, but I couldn't make it out. Guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens...

June 2, 1964

Today Sarge and I decided to go undercover to the 'Namish New Year's Party at the Club Med in Saigon. I'm the one taking the picture, so you can't see me. When we got there we met some hot young 'Namish females looking for a good time. Sarge suggested dancing and we all agreed that dancing was an agreeable thing to do. However, when the new hit song by the Monkees came on and Sarge busted out his crazy fake 'Namish dance moves, he forgot about the traditional New Year's razor blade ceiling fans that were on at full speed. I happened to take this picture right at that time. As you can see, we all had a good laugh. (If you look really close, you can see that Sarge's hand managed to catch itself on his arm after it got chopped off.) What a way to start the Year of the Cat.

June 1, 1964

Today was the annual June 1st Shave a 'Namish contest at H.Q. We only had one real 'Namish person in captivity, so we drew straws and Stevens, Sarge, and bald, old, tall, goofy Crazy Shanks (far left) had to do it to. Crazy Shanks didn't really matter, but Sarge (next to Shanks in the pic) really went all out. It's hard to imagine he could go through with that after the merecat incident.

Fight on, Sarge. Fight on.

May 31, 1964

Here is a copy of the postcard that HQ makes us send back home at the end of each month. Word on the street(streets in 'Nam?) is that morale is low back in the States and that this war is "bad," so H.Q. wants us to send home positivity. Anyway, here's what my postcard said.
"Dear Mom,
Hey Mom! You were wrong about war. I'm having a blast!(no pun intended) All the people are really nice. Even the Vietcong are cool. Sometimes we meet up after a long day's worth of battle and head out on the town or sometimes just play poker. I met a really nice girl. Don't worry, she's American (I know how grandpa is about that stuff.) Anyhoo, everything is hunky-dory and I'll write back soon.

Love,
Your son the war hero

May 30, 1964

Stevens and I met a 'Namish defector that was undercover as a member of the Vietcong and he agreed to try and help us get into a Vietcong base. Here's a still from a security camera on the base. They had no idea we were coming. Once inside, we tried to get some cookies, but were promptly caught and smacked on the wrist.

May 29, 1964

So Stevens and I found a market where we tried to sell the pig's head. We ended up trading it for a longer antennae, since the radio was static-y today. Later, we saw a small girl sitting in a boat, and when we asked what she was doing, she made a grunting noise and we started to smell something rank. Those crazy 'Namanese kids! No discipline, I tell 'ya.

May 28, 1964

We've hit the motherload, baby! While we were catching leeches in the forest today, Stevens spotted a large pig drinking at the river. So we rigged up a booby-trap with some axes to cut off its legs. Tonight we feast like kings (or jesters or whatever it is they have here in 'Nam.) Tomorrow we're going to try and use the radio we bought to get in contact with HQ.

May 27, 1964

As Stevens and I were traveling the plains of 'Nam, we saw a couple of cute 'lil 'Namanese children. I couldn't help but laugh. My dad always said that laughter was the best medecine. You know, that's probably why many of my brothers died of tuberculosis. Rations are wearing thin, so we'll probably have to go pig or boar hunting.

May 26, 1964

We've finally made it out on to the plains. I'm not quite sure on how far we are from the northwestern gulf, but I'd bet two bits that we're more than 5 ticks away. Stevens has lost a lot of weight since that suicide thing. I'm not sure if the others back at camp would even notice him. Even then, they might not know that it was him. The 'Namanese have tunnels on the plains, too. Almost reminds me of the prairie dogs back home in the States. Except these doggies shoot at you......and they probably eat dogs.

May 25, 1964

Our chopper crashed late last night. Only Stevens and I survived. We've got a pistol with two (2) rounds, and a big 'ol can of FUBAR. We're still going to try and have his posthumous burial.....if we make it there alive, that is. (dundundunduunnnnnnnnnn)

May 24, 1964

I was looking through Corporal Stevens's things today, when I found this old picture from boarding school. We were in the school band together (that's him on the tube-a.) One day he found something while he was-a gold mining, (booger gold,that is) when his trigger finger got stuck. It's a wonder they let him into the army at 'Nam (the most dangerous place known to the 'Namaneese people.)

May 23, 1964

Corparal Stevens finally convinced us to let him commit suicide, but we only let him on the condition that we could watch. It was more carnage than I had ever seen before in my entire life. Cooley puked down the trap door, which was probably a good thing, since the smell will alert us of the enemies' presence. We're going to bury him tomorrow in the gulf off the north-west coast. He always said that he wanted to be buried in a north-western gulf of 'Nam.

May 22, 1964

We were sitting around camp celebrating my brother's birthday, when all of a sudden, THIS GUY JUST POPS UP OUT OF NOWHERE!!! Corpral Stevens almost killed himself, but he tries to do that a lot (says he can't take the pressures of war.) Prvt. Smithers and I attempted to capture the enemy, but he screamed out something about Chung Tao, and then proceeded to kill himself, which made Stevens all the more jealous.

May 21, 1964

ATTENTION!!!!!!!! We have acquired a rare photo of Chung Tao. He is believed to be disguised as a guy without horrid teeth. Be on the lookout, as he is known to speak with a lisp and carry a spiked umbrella.

May 20, 1964

We were thwarted in our attempt to flank the Vietcong. It seems their spiritual leader, Chung Tao (Crazy Teeth in English), had his spies watching our every move. Therefore, we then had nothing to do, so Sergant Cooley and I decided to go bird watching. We saw three Polka-Spotted Finches and 2 Orange-Beaked Forest Swallows. We also saw a strange-looking pig, that we decided to watch out for in case we begin to run low on food and need to hunt it down like a bad case of scabies.

May 19, 1964

As part of a new mission sent from Headquarters (H.Q.), we have taken a tiny little boat out on the ocean or something and are trying to sneak up on the Vietcong disguised as normal Vietnamese people(as you might notice from the Army-issued normal Vietnamese people cone hat.) So far, the plan seems to be working, and we will probably flank the Vietcong by the 21st.

May 18, 1964

The Vietcong attacked us on the night of the 16th. My platoon got split up, but I managed to escape by myself. I used my Army-issued fake left arm to create a diversion. When I got back to HQ, they gave me some surveillance photos of the enemy, which I have included. The photos were taken by a secret camera hidden inside the waxy ear of a retarded goat. Sometimes the Vietcong sneak up behind you and gouge out your eyeballs, so watch your back.

May 16, 1964

We've been under fire for two straight days. Those commies have us holed up in our fox holes, and we can't go anywhere. However, HQ has issued us a fake left arm to throw out of the trenches to draw fire (I've included a picture of it.) I've already lost 6 of my buddies to the monsoons. All that rain can make a man wish of the old country. I'll get back to you as soon as possible, because I think the Vietcong are closing in.

May 15, 1964

I got the letter today. My mom hasn't been able to stop crying. I'm going to Vietnam. I already know a few kids from nearby Tawnesburg that lost their left arms over there. I'm really scared. I don't wanna lose my left arm. I'm left-handed. I wouldn't be able to brush my teeth. My parents bought me a new Corvette so I can finally drive the car of my dreams before I head out into the jungles and fight the commies. I head out to boot camp in one week.